A Christmas without wings
by bengirl
Summary: A very hard time at the Ponderosa. Only time and love can ease the pain.


A christmas without her and without wings

-Hey pa; I don't know, if Santa Claus will be able to go through the fireplace….

Ben was silent, reflecting on the changes in his family's circumstances since this time last year.

-pa, do you believe, Santa Claus will manage to go through the fireplace…

"Pa," he slowly pushed his father's knee. " Pa; I ask you something ! ». Ben realized that his little boy was waiting for something. He bent over and hugged his son.

-what oh, sorry Joe, I didn't heard anything. I'm angry, because this tinsel tangles up… So I'm listening…

-I don't know if Santa Claus will be able to go through the fireplace.

-For shure, he will… He could do that last year, he will manage this year…"

Ben had already brought the christmas box; to do a lovely christmas tree…. But the tinsel were tangling up and Hoss had broken two balls. Ben had scolded him and had sended him away. Then he had felt sorry and he has begged for pardon;.. But Hoss was still crying. Ben was so sorry, he wanted to decorate the tree, but in the same time, he wished, he could have burnt it and the tinsel together…. He was feeling so bad, so miserable… It was just over ten months ago that his third wife, Joe's mother Marie, had been killed in a riding accident. He had realised, he would light the candles alone, with the boys…. And it would be very difficult… They had to live the first christmas without her… The first christmas, the hardest time in the year, the sorrest time for them… Joe; the youngest, Maries son… Little Joe… the child had lost the very centre of his world. Joe was crying every night, which could stay two hours in his fathers arms before falling asleep… And Hoss; a 11 – years – old boy, tried to be strong… But he had had a big shock, another one…. Maries death was an echo to the death of his own mother. He was a baby when it had happened, and he was suddenly weant. That's why he was always eating. Two days ago Ben had found him in the kitchen trying to take a cake again…. Ben had had to punish him. Hoss was keeping on eating, maybe he was trying to fill the emptyness of his heart with food…

And Adam, his 17-years-old son; Adam had lost his mother too but had no memories about it. But Inger had been a sweet mother for him and she had died too... Adam kept smiling, he did his best to support his father, but rarely expressed his feelings. Adam wanted to have the possibility to forget the sadness of the ranch… Adam wanted his family to live; to be happy.

Ben wanted to know; how they would spend this Christmas-time without her, would it be more difficult than the first Christmas without Inger ? If only time could go faster, he didn't want to see the pain in the house…. They were lighting candle; but they did that mechanically; without joy, without energy and without hope… It had to stop and very often he started to pray, might Joe have silent nights, without nightmares and cry… Might Hoss laugh again, with that special laughing, that had made them so happy….

He was longing to see the sun again, that special sun, that would warm their heart… Even the big fireplace couldn't bring them it… Only Marie could do that, Marie and her smile; so nice Marie; so lovely Marie;

-hey pa; look at this, the little angel has a broken wing…

Joes voice disturbed Adams deep reflexion… Typical Joe : only him was able to change his mind so quickly…. But it was a good thing, that could help him…. Joe was looking at the box, he had the little angel in his hands…

-oh, what a pity, my dear…. We have to do something…. He needs wings to fly through the sky to bring the message of god.

-Ho , now I understand. Ma will do that… Missis Carter said to me, ma is an angel…. So pa, you have to repair the wings…

-oh yes, I will, my little… Now, come and hug me…. »

Ben took his son in his arms and closed his eyes….

« hey pa, my shirt is now wet.

-Sorry Joe.

-You're sad, pa, you miss ma ?

-Oh yes, I miss her… I'm sad, because I want a lovely christmas for you and I just can't do that… I'm trying but I can't smile.

-Ma could do that…., Joe replied.

-Oh yes, she could, she had a very nice smile. »

Adam came near and put his hand on Pa's shoulders.

« PA, we will go on…. even if it's hard… And Mary will help us… ».

-how Adam….?, Joe asked with a puzzled face.

-you know, Joe; I believe, dead people are always with us. They never let us…She's in your heart, I've got my mother in my heart…. And I want to show you something… »

Adam held his little brother and showed him the picture of Marie….

-Hey Joe, can you say me, what's the color of your eyes ?

-Brown, I guess.

-Yes, now look at the eyes of your ma, what's the color ?

-Brown, too…

-so that means, you've got the eyes of your mom… And that means, she's here, in your eyes. And nobody can take that….

-Is it true , Adam ?, Joe replied with sparkling in his eyes.

-I promess it…. »

And Joe hugged his big brother….

-don't forget that; I'm here too… everytime you're sad, just come and ask for a hug…. I don't smell like your mother , but my arms will always be ther for you…

-yes, little brother, mine too… »

Hoss has just arrived and hugged his baby brother too…. And it was a big comfort for Ben… Oh yes, now he knew; LOVE would help them…. There was so much love within Ponderosa… And love was bigger than death…. and power of love could fight it…. And love would be the winner… They would spend a christmas without her, but it wouldn't be a christmas without love… The cold would make them cry more than ever, but they would stay together to keep warm….

-eh boys, I've got an idea… On christmas evening we will all sleep together . In my bedroom… Joe, you'll have the right sleeping with me…, Ben said.

-and I ?

-you too, Hoss … Adam ?

-No thanks, it won't be necessary…. But I will put my cover on the floor, so I 'll be with you…. And no snore, is that clear ? »

And they started to laugh… It was good to laugh….Now they were ready to decorate the tree, Ben accepted to do that… Now he loved the tree, he didn't want to burn it anymore… It was a big tree, which conforted them…. .

Glory glory allelujia…. Ben started to sing; it was the first time, since Mary had died….. And Adam, Hoss and Joe were singing with him….. And Joe was still holding the little angel with the broken wing… Now he knew that; Pa would repair it; so it would fly in the sky and the little angel would show the way to his mum…And she would be the nicest angel in the sky….


End file.
